


be cruel to me 'cause i am a fool for you

by fir8008



Series: give the bruises out like gifts [12]
Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Developing Relationship, Getting Together, M/M, POV Alternating, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-29 11:50:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15728829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: Taedong falters. “Did I make you wait too long?”Or, the love that was worth the wait





	be cruel to me 'cause i am a fool for you

**Author's Note:**

> *me rising from the grave* I LIIIIIIIIIIVE 
> 
> Hello! I'm back! It's been a hot minute. I had a very busy July but now I'm back! This work got a lot, lot longer than I planned, but I hope it's worth my word count exploding without my permission. This fic follows along from the last chapter of "we're all very lovely til we get to know each other" and alternates between Taedong and Jaechan's perspective. There is some mild sexual content throughout and a more explicit scene towards the end, but not enough to warrant bumping up the rating to an E. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!
> 
>  
> 
> Title comes from the Arctic Monkeys' "Suck It and See"

Taedong opens the door to Jaechan, holding his hands nervously in front of him, biting his lip, and Taedong’s heart leaps in his chest. He’s opened his door to Jaechan holding back his emotions like this before and it’s always because someone’s hurt Jaechan. Taedong doesn’t know what to do. Jaechan isn’t his to worry about anymore, and he’s made it very clear that Taedong hardly deserves any of his time. And yet he could never turn Jaechan away.

“Hi,” Jaechan says quietly. Taedong’s heart clenches. He can tell Jaechan is on the verge of tears. “Can I come in?” 

“Yeah,” Taedong says softly, stepping aside to let Jaechan come inside. “Are you alright?” he asks carefully. When Jaechan comes to him like this, it means someone’s hurt him and Taedong feels roiling guilt because he hopes Sangbin’s done something wrong to bring Jaechan back to him and yet he’d never want anyone to hurt Jaechan. (But he really needs Jaechan to need him.) 

“Yes,” Jaechan cuts off Taedong’s frenzied thoughts. “I just. I just wanted to talk to you again.” Jaechan looks up at Taedong, biting his lip. “Is that okay?” 

“Of course,” Taedong says hoarsely, “of course.” 

Jaechan surges into his arms and he fits there so naturally and it’s like a part of Taedong that was missing is finally back in place. Taedong wraps his arms around Jaechan and pulls him as close as he can. He just wants to crush their bodies together until they’re both whole again. Jaechan’s trembling and crying onto his shoulder and Taedong just wants to make Jaechan stop crying. Jaechan’s tears have always been his weakness. 

“I missed you,” Jaechan’s voice is so tiny.

“I missed you too,” Taedong says. “So much.” 

“I’m sorry for pushing you away. I just wanted space. I just wanted to breathe and I,” Jaechan’s voice cracks. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s okay. I’m okay.” Taedong is okay now, now that Jaechan is back in his arms where Taedong has always wanted him to be. 

“I missed you so much,” Jaechan is clinging to him and even though Taedong’s heart is aching because Jaechan is crying, he is so happy that Jaechan is here and that Taedong gets to hold him. 

“I missed you too,” Taedong breathes in Jaechan, the familiar scent of shampoo and skin and fabric softener, and holds him even tighter. “I missed you too.” 

Donghan coming home doesn’t exactly spoil the moment, but it does make Jaechan pull away, taking little pieces of Taedong with him like he always does when he leaves.

But Taedong sleeps soundly for the first time in weeks. 

 

Taedong tries to remember the first time it happened, the first time he blacked out when he hit someone, and it always comes back to Jaechan.

The guy was bullying Jaechan, so Taedong decided to teach him a lesson, and he can’t really remember how much he beat up on the kid, only that Jaechan cried looking at Taedong’s bloodied knuckles. 

“You don’t have to do this,” Jaechan’s tears had dripped onto the backs of Taedong’s hands, smearing the blood. “I didn’t ask you to do this for me.” 

Was that when it started? But what else started then? The desire Taedong felt to kiss away Jaechan’s tears? 

“You’re not even listening to me,” Jaechan grumbles, tapping his fingers against the table. 

“Sorry, I was thinking about something.” Taedong says. “What were you saying?” 

Jaechan sighs. “It was nothing important.” 

“Sorry,” Taedong says. “I just have a lot on my mind.” 

“Like what?” Jaechan scoots forward in his seat expectantly. 

“My dorm’s a little hectic,” Taedong shrugs. “Jihoon’s in an advanced dance class and he comes home at weird hours and Donghanie’s working with Insoo on a project and they don’t get along.” And he’s been feeling weird and craving cigarettes, not that Jaechan needs to know that. 

“Well Insoo hyung and Donghanie probably aren’t going to get along,” Jaechan replies. “Not after Donghan got too close to Kenta hyung.” 

“But Donghan didn’t end up having any success,” Taedong says. “Insoo’s coming down on him really hard.” 

“What Donghan hyung did was stupid,” Jaechan says dully. “We all warned him.”

“I’m not saying it wasn’t, but Donghanie has a lot of good qualities. He’s a good guy. Even if he makes dumb decisions he’s still friendly and nice, and he’s hardworking.” 

“And tall, and pretty.” 

“And tall and pretty and if Kenta had wandering eyes it would’ve been understandable because Insoo is cranky all the time.” 

Jaechan is smiling at him. “I’ve never heard you talking about Donghanie like that before.” 

Taedong shrugs. “Donghanie is a nice guy. We’re best friends.” 

“You know,” Jaechan says, tapping his fingers against the table again. “If your feelings were to ever change, and you started to like someone else, I would be happy for you.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“It means I really love Sangbin, and I don’t want you to…” Jaechan sighs. “It’s okay if you love someone else, hyung.” 

Taedong doesn’t know why his mouth feels so dry. “There’s no one now…” 

“But if there is,” Jaechan says. “I just want you to be happy.” 

“I am,” Taedong says insistently and Jaechan smiles at him softly, clearly not believing a word he said. 

 

Taedong looks at Donghan. 

Really looks at him. 

And feels something. 

And Taedong doesn’t know what to do about that. 

 

Jaechan wraps his arms around Sangbin and Sangbin pulls Jaechan flush against him and drops a kiss on his nose. Jaechan giggles as Sangbin buries his face in the crook Jaechan’s neck and breathes him in. 

“I love the way you smell,” Sangbin rumbles against his skin, making Jaechan shiver. 

“How do I smell?” 

“Clean,” Sangbin says, “like skin. I like it, but it makes me feel a little bit possessive too.” 

Jaechan giggles. “What does that mean?”

“I want to put my scent on you. I want you to smell like me so other guys know they can’t have you.” Sangbin looks a little bit sheepish. “Like a dog.” 

“I don’t think I would enjoy you marking your territory on me,” Jaechan is trying not to laugh. 

Sangbin groans against him. “I don’t get to spend much alone time with you and now you’ve got me talking about peeing on you.” 

“You’re the one saying things about putting your scent on me. You don’t have to worry, no one’s looking at me.” 

Sangbin harrumphs and pulls Jaechan closer to him. “There’s something about you that makes me want to just mark you as mine.” 

“You can,” Jaechan says softly.

“Hmm?” 

Jaechan can feel himself turning red. “You always wanted to bite me. On my thigh. You can.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes.” Jaechan guides Sangbin’s hand to his waistband and pops open the button of his jeans. 

“If you’re sure,” Sangbin breathes as Jaechan slides off his jeans and Sangbin settles between Jaechan’s legs. “Pretty,” he says, pressing a kiss into the skin of Jaechan’s inner thigh, making him squirm. “Is this okay?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan whimpers. “Yes.” 

Sangbin kisses Jaechan’s thigh gently, grazing his teeth on certain spots, making Jaechan tingle with want. Jaechan can feel Sangbin teeth sinking into his skin and covers his mouth to muffle his moan as Sangbin begins to suck a dark love bite into his inner thigh. Jaechan can feel how hard he’s shaking trying to hold back from moaning at Sangbin’s lips on his thigh. Sangbin licks over the mark and moves to kiss Jaechan on the forehead. 

“Are you alright, kitten?” Sangbin asks and Jaechan nods. Sangbin brushes his thumb over the bruise and Jaechan shivers. “Do you like it?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan replies as Sangbin pulls him back into his arms.

“Thank you, kitten,” Sangbin kisses Jaechan softly. 

Later, Jaechan presses his legs together, trembling at the sensitive spot where the bruise is, right where his thighs touch. 

 

Taedong isn’t very touchy with other people. He’s only very touchy with Jaechan, and only because they grew up together, but now he doesn’t touch Jaechan as much. Not only because other people have put their hands on Jaechan when he didn’t want them to, but also because Jaechan’s isn’t his to touch anymore, so Taedong isn’t sure where their boundaries are. 

But Donghan freely shows physical affection, and Taedong has always been comfortable with that, so he begins to let his hands linger whenever he and Donghan touch, just to see, just to get a physical sense if there’s something more to the way he feels. And he does feel something different. It’s just a whisper of something, but it’s there and Taedong can identify it, and that means it’s real. 

Perhaps that’s why he reaches out to touch Donghan’s face and tells him that he likes him, that he loves him. But Donghan smacks his arm away like Taedong’s just burned him and the look in his eyes is more than enough to tell Taedong he’s made a terrible mistake. Because it’s the same look that Jaechan had in his eyes when Taedong told him. The look of a person who doesn’t feel the same way. 

Taedong doesn’t know what stings more, Donghan’s visceral rejection or what he says - that Taedong is only reaching out because Jaechan doesn’t want him. 

And Taedong doesn’t know if he can deny that. 

Especially not when later Donghan is drunk kissing him and climbing on top of him and telling Taedong that he used to be in love with him and pressing down on him more insistently, asking him to sleep with him, so Taedong has to sit up to push Donghan off of him. 

“Why are you pushing me away?” 

“I’ve never done it before.” 

It feels strange to admit it, not that Taedong has ever felt like he was behind the curve because he still hadn’t had sex. It’s strange to admit it because Taedong is suddenly acutely conscious of why he hasn’t had sex, even though he had been denying it for a long time. He hasn’t had sex because a part of him was always saving himself for Jaechan, because in his mind, Jaechan loving him had been an inevitability right up until Jaechan said he was in love with someone else. And still, Taedong clung onto that because Jaechan was in love with Sangbin, the bastard, and he broke Jaechan’s heart but Jaechan still took him back. And Taedong’s still clinging onto his own stupid thoughts. 

Donghan’s gripping onto his arms much tighter all of a sudden until Donghan’s throwing up on him and Taedong cringes but Donghan won’t let go of him. 

“I’m so fucking sorry,” Donghan says and Taedong ignores him in favor of trying to navigate them both to their bathroom without Donghan’s vomit dripping off of Taedong’s shirt and onto his bed or the carpet. Taedong makes Donghan sit on the toilet while he strips off his shirt and throws it into their shower, turning on the water to boiling hot and letting it wash the vomit off. 

“Taedongie, I’m sorry,” Donghan repeats, grabbing Taedong’s wrist which he gently extracts. 

“It’s not your fault,” Taedong says. “You can’t hold your alcohol.” 

Donghan slumps against the sink as Taedong takes the showerhead and hoses off his shirt. He thinks he might just throw it away. It’s just a shirt. 

Donghan’s half asleep by the time Taedong decides washing his shirt is futile so he helps Donghan back to his bunk and lays him down and tilts his head to the side so Donghan won’t choke on any more vomit. Taedong goes back to the bathroom and balls up his sopping wet shirt and plops it into the wastebasket. Donghan is snoring when Taedong comes back out of the bathroom so Taedong gets dressed and decides to leave and drive to the nearest open store and buy a carton of cigarettes. Bizarrely his hands still know how to open it and take one and light it even though he quit years ago but that one second lapse of judgment when he took Sangbin’s from between his fingers and took one drag was enough to make him crave them again. Smoke fills his lungs and it’s comforting. 

He first met Sangbin on the roof of their high school because he needed a light. Sangbin used matches back then, but on the roof of his apartment that day he was using a regular lighter. Taedong rolls down his window so the smoke can filter out and wonders what changed that. He wonders if Jaechan remembers Sangbin from that day they were all cramped under the smoking shelter - Jaechan pinching the back of Taedong’s hand to try to frustrate him until Taedong gave up that particular cigarette and Sangbin’s eyes tracing up and down Jaechan’s body in his middle school uniform. Taedong sighs, wondering when Jaechan started liking Sangbin anyway. 

Taedong smokes down to the filter, tosses it out the window, and lights another. 

 

Taedong’s car reeks of cigarettes, Taedong probably reeks of cigarettes, and it’s giving him a migraine. He’s just happy no one broke into his car with him stupidly dozing off with his window still cracked. Even better, it didn’t rain and birds didn’t shit and he didn’t set the car on fire. But he is late and Jaechan’s called him a couple times and Taedong knows he must be worried. Taedong buys a bottle of water and gargles it at red lights and swishes as he drives and spits out the window when he can, ignoring the disgusted stares from the other drivers around him. They haven’t had a night like Taedong’s had. He deserves this. 

Jaechan looks relieved when he sees Taedong approaching and then worried when he actually sees him. 

“Are you okay? Donghanie said you two drank last night. Are you alright?” Taedong pushes himself into Jaechan’s arms. “Hyung, you smell.” 

“I made a big mistake last night.” 

“Taedongie? Is everything okay?” 

“I told Donghan I loved him.” 

“Hyung?”

“But it’s not true.” 

“Taedong.” 

“I’m still in love with you,” Taedong rests his head against Jaechan’s chest. Jaechan carefully cradles his head, patting the side of his face. “I’m sorry. I still love you.” 

“You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t…” 

“I thought you were right. I really thought I liked Donghan more but he told me the truth. That I was picking him because you won’t have me. He’s right.” 

Jaechan’s hand is still against his cheek. 

“I missed my chance, he used to love me, and I can’t even give him anything superficial. Not even my body because that’s still yours. There are so many parts of me that are still yours.” 

“I don’t want that. I don’t want…” 

“I know it’s not what you want. It’s my fault. It’s just sobering, getting thrown up on by somebody who used to love you.” 

“He threw up on you?” 

“He was drunk. So drunk I bet he won’t even remember what happened.” 

“Taedong, he can’t treat you like that…” 

“Like what?” Taedong gambles, puts his arms around Jaechan’s waist. Jaechan tenses, but doesn’t squirm away. “Like garbage? I am garbage.” 

Jaechan sighs and resumes patting Taedong’s head. “He shouldn’t say things that hurt you.” 

“But he’s right.” 

“He’s not. Hyung, you know that I don’t… that I can’t…” 

“I know.” Taedong sighs into Jaechan’s chest. “But I know I’m still in love with you, even if I feel something for Donghan, I know that I love you.” 

Jaechan cradles Taedong’s head closer to him and holds him and Taedong sighs against him. 

 

“Kitty cat,” Sangbin is laying on his side with his chin propped up on his fist. “Are you really still fuming about Donghan rejecting Taedong?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan huffs. “I am.” 

Sangbin sighs, rolling over to lay flat on his back. “I know you’re mad at Donghan, but you’re making me worried with all the huffing and puffing you’re doing.” 

Jaechan sits beside Sangbin. “I’m just really angry at him.” 

“I know, I know. You want what’s best for Taedong but you can’t go running around fighting his battles and slandering Donghan…” 

“It’s not slander if it’s true!” 

“Nevertheless, kitten, you can’t do things like stoke Insoo’s ego and tell him he was right for wanting Donghan dead.” 

Jaechan curls up beside Sangbin and lets Sangbin press their bodies together. “I expected him to agree with me.” 

“Don’t worry about Donghan. Taedong’s a big boy. He’ll figure it out.” Sangbin gives Jaechan a squeeze. “Come on, pretty boy, let me take your mind off things.” 

Jaechan rolls over so Sangbin can climb on top of him and kiss him, and Jaechan can’t help but melt into it. He always feels better when Sangbin is balancing his weight right between Jaechan’s hips, and he can feel Sangbin untucking his shirt. 

“Can I?” 

“Yes,” Jaechan lifts his arms so Sangbin can peel his shirt off. “You don’t have to be so cautious with me.”

“I just want to be sure.” Sangbin says against his skin and Jaechan can feel the gooseflesh rising on the cool dampness of his skin. “I don’t want to touch you where you don’t want me to.” 

Jaechan sighs. “I wish he hadn’t told you that.” 

Sangbin looks up at him. “Why’s that?” 

Jaechan flushes. “It wasn’t his business to.”

“Did he tell you what he thought I had done to you?” 

“No.” 

“He thought I had forced myself on you. So he told me because he thought I was like them. That I was just another… so I told him the truth.” Sangbin kisses right above Jaechan’s hip bone. “I never want to do anything to hurt you.” 

“I know you wouldn’t,” Jaechan’s mouth feels dry. “I’m ashamed of what happened. I didn’t want to tell you.” 

“Ashamed of what, Jaechan?” 

Jaechan tugs impatiently at the back of Sangbin’s shirt. “Take this off. I thought you were supposed to be distracting me.” 

Sangbin sighs and peels off his shirt. “This conversation isn’t over,” Sangbin promises. Jaechan kisses him and wraps his legs tightly around Sangbin’s waist to grind up hard against him. Sangbin chokes. “I can’t believe you fool everyone into thinking you’re an innocent little boy.” Sangbin hisses. “People should see the shit you pull on me in bed.” 

“Please, hyung. Distract. Me.” 

Sangbin presses Jaechan deeper into the mattress. “Whatever you want, pretty boy.” 

 

Taedong’s a little bit bewildered. “I have to tell Jaechan.” 

Donghan makes a face. 

“I do,” Taedong repeats.

“I know,” Donghan sighs. “He hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you.” 

“He does.” 

“We’re just seeing if things work out,” Taedong says. It sounds odd, this whole thing about trying, this kind of relationship where two people are trying to love each other. “He can’t hate you for wanting to try.” 

“He told me he wouldn’t think of me the same way anymore.” 

“He said that when he was mad.” 

Taedong knows that Jaechan probably isn’t as mad as he’s acting, but he can certainly understand why Donghan thinks Jaechan hates him. 

Jaechan’s scowling. “Really.” He deadpans. “You’re trying.” 

Taedong shrugs. “We’re both willing, and we know we’re not really ready.” 

Jaechan looks like he wants to say something but shakes his head. “Do what you want, hyung. I don’t want him to hurt you.” 

“Is that all?” 

“I could tell you about how wrong Donghan is for you, and how there’s someone better out there, but I don’t want to repeat what you said to me about Sangbin.” Jaechan sighs. “I want you to be happy, hyung.” 

Taedong smiles and pinches Jaechan’s cheek, “I’ll be fine, Jaechannie,” and doesn’t miss the unconvinced expression on Jaechan’s face. 

 

“I saw Jaechannie’s boyfriend naked,” Hyunwoo is smiling conspiratorially over the breakfast that Taedong suddenly has no appetite for. “And everything made sense.” 

“Why on earth were you looking at Sangbin naked?” Donghan asks and Taedong suppresses a groan.

“He was showering at our dorm and he was just toweling off in the middle of the bathroom and I was wondering why he wasn’t covered up and then I saw,” Hyunwoo’s eyes widen. “I saw everything.” 

Taedong groans. “Hyunwoo.” 

“He’s like,” Hyunwoo measures out with his hands, “this big. He’s huge.” 

Taedong drops his spoon. “Hyunwoo.” 

“I always thought he was big, but I know for sure now. Size really matters, huh. I was starting to wonder how Jaechannie started dating that short scary hyung.” 

“Hyunwoo.” Taedong growls. 

Hyunwoo has half the decency to look a little sheepish. “I know it must be hard to hear about what your precious baby likes in the bedroom but imagine how I felt coming upon this information. It explains the noises I hear coming from next door too.” 

“You can stop now,” Donghan groans. “Sorry I asked.” 

Hyunwoo snorts. “I didn’t know you two were prudes.” 

“I’m not,” Donghan says. “I just really don’t want to hear about Sangbin’s penis anymore.” 

Hyunwoo begins to say something when he sees Jaechan coming back from the bathroom. Jaechan looks at them. “Is something wrong?” 

They all shake their heads no. 

 

“Can you help me with something weird?” Donghan asks him from the bathroom door. 

“Sure,” Taedong says and Donghan walks over to his bed.

“Could you just massage this knot in my back? I thought it’d go away with the shower but it didn’t.” Donghan shifts so his back is to Taedong. 

Taedong finds the spot with thumb and presses into it; Donghan grunts softly. Taedong begins to massage the knot, feeling it begin to loosen under his thumb. 

“Can I ask you something?” Donghan asks. 

“Sure,” Taedong agrees as he changes to his elbow to apply harder pressure. 

Donghan exhales. “Oh, that’s better.” He glances over his shoulder slightly. “Do you know if those two have sex? Jaechannie and...” 

Taedong freezes for a moment and then resumes massaging his elbow into Donghan’s back. “I don’t know. I try not to think about that. When I went to go apologize to Sangbin for punching him, he told me they hadn’t slept together. But it’s been a little while, so I don’t know. I really try to not think about it.” 

Taedong knows that he’s lying to himself on some level, because he’s thought about Sangbin hurting Jaechan, he’s thought about Sangbin pressuring Jaechan into more than he wanted. And when Jaechan had told him he wanted to have sex, Taedong couldn’t stop thinking about Jaechan losing his virginity to someone who wasn’t him. 

“If I think about it,” Taedong adds quietly. “I start to feel possessive when I shouldn’t be. When I don’t have the right to feel that.” 

“I understand,” Donghan murmurs. 

“Everyone has told me that Jaechan doesn’t want me to baby him, so I can’t, because I don’t want to lose him. And I don’t want to damage my relationship with you. Especially because we’re trying to work things out.” Taedong carefully wraps his arms around Donghan’s shoulders. 

“I know,” Donghan squeezes his hand. “I know.” 

 

Jihoon talks them into (meaning, forces Taedong) going out on Halloween even though Taedong has no earthly desire to, and no costume for that matter. But Jihoon keeps pushing and Donghan wants to, so Taedong relents. 

Jihoon somehow wheedles their way into the theatre department’s costume room (Jihoon’s friend Hyeob makes angry throat slashing motions every time any of them breathes too hard near anything Hyeob deems expensive or important) and they pilfer some cheap vampire capes and stage makeup. 

“So help me if you ruin those somehow I’m going to personally dispatch you,” Hyeob hisses. “Come into your room in the dead of night and slit your throat.” Jihoon is making faces so Hyeob puts him in a headlock. “Listen you little shit, just don’t ruin the stuff, everyone knows I have the keys to here so don’t make my life difficult.” 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Jihoon groans, prying Hyeob’s arm from around his throat. 

“Please don’t make my life harder than it already is,” Hyeob huffs. 

“He does this to everyone,” Jihoon grumbles. “Except for...” 

Hyeob snaps. “That’s right I didn’t because I don’t talk to him anymore, unlike you…” 

“I texted him once, months ago, to ask if he was okay because some psychopath jumped him…” 

“Who are you talking about?” Donghan asks, glancing between Jihoon and Hyeob. 

“The guy Jaechan went on the blind date gone wrong with,” Jihoon answers. “We don’t talk to him but Hyeob still wants to get on my ass about one text…” 

Jihoon and Hyeob start squabbling again and Taedong lets their conversation flow through his ears without hearing anything. He remembers what he did but he never breathed a word of that to anyone.

Later, Donghan smudges red makeup on the side of his mouth and tilts his neck as he hands the applicator to Taedong. “Put some on my neck so it looks like bite marks,” he instructs, and Taedong dabs on two smudged dots what he hopes is a mouth’s width apart. 

The bar they go to is noisy and crowded and Taedong thinks they are definitely going to ruin the capes they effectively stole, but if Jihoon is the only person Hyeob would kill for that Taedong doesn’t really care. Taedong doesn’t much like parties or loud get togethers like this, so Donghan lingers by the bar with him. 

“You can go dance and have fun if you want to,” Taedong says. “You don’t have to sit here with me.” 

“It’s okay, I wanted to spend time with you.” Donghan replies easily. 

They sit and chat idly while drinking up until a very drunk person wraps his arm around Donghan’s shoulder. “Donghanie!” he slurs. “You look so nice.” 

Donghan tenses up. “Kenta hyung?” 

“Hi, Donghanie.” Kenta is obviously very drunk. “Hi, Taedongie. You both look so nice.” 

“You too,” Donghan replies. “What are you dressed as?” 

Kenta twirls unsteadily. “I’m Sailor V. Don’t I look good?” 

Taedong is staring just because Kenta is really standing in front of of him, hiccuping and drunk, wearing a tiny mini skirt, a shirt that doesn’t cover his stomach, and short blue heels. There’s a little white choker with a glittering crescent moon around his neck. His hair looks ruffled, maybe because he had a wig on earlier, and in his drunk state he looks slightly cute. Taedong can admit he sees why Insoo’s so insecure about other people looking at Kenta, because Kenta really draws attention.

“Yeah, hyung, you look great.” Donghan says stiffly. 

Kenta leans into him again. “You’re so nice, Donghanie. You’re so cute.” 

“Can you please stop running off, sorry, about him, oh,” Insoo looks very flustered as he wraps his arms around Kenta’s waist. “Hi.” 

“Hi,” Donghan says. 

“He’s really fucking drunk, I’m sorry about him.” Insoo sighs. “Please stop running off so I don’t lose track of you.” 

“Oh, Soosoo, you don’t have to worry about me,” Kenta croons, rubbing his head on the underside of Insoo’s chin. “Mm, but Soosoo did you stop being mean to Donghanie? I told you not to be mean to him.” 

Insoo huffs. “I’m not being mean to anyone.” 

“He’s not being mean to me,” Donghan echoes. 

“See?” Insoo says, but Kenta doesn’t seem to be listening as he leans over the bar and orders four shots. 

“On me,” Kenta says cheerfully as he pushes the shot glasses closer to Taedong and Donghan. “Soosoo, I’ll take yours too,” and Kenta pours them both down his throat faster than Taedong can even blink. 

“Okay, okay, I’m cutting you off, you’ve got to stop drinking,” Insoo sighs. 

“Donghanie, are you a vampire?” Kenta asks, leaning on Donghan’s shoulder. He flutters his eyelashes. “Do you want to bite me?” 

Taedong can see the way Donghan freezes at the question but Kenta just giggles. “You can’t, my boyfriend is looking.” 

“You are out of control,” Insoo says as he grabs Kenta around the waist and picks him up. “Let’s go,” he huffs as he begins to herd Kenta away. 

“Bye, Donghanie, bye, Taedongie,” Kenta waves at them over Insoo’s shoulder. 

“Are you alright?” Taedong asks and Donghan shrugs. 

“Do you want a drink?” Donghan asks as he flags down the bartender. 

They both end up drinking too much and they stumble home together, pulling off the stolen capes and falling onto Taedong’s bed together, Donghan squeezing up against his side. 

“It was weird seeing Kenta,” Donghan says softly. “Part of me still likes him so much and he looked really good. Insoo told me he didn’t hate me anymore but I wonder if that changed again now.”

“I understand, but I don’t think he’ll go back to hating you. You just sat there.” Taedong says softly. He inhales. “You know what I did, right? To Jihoon’s friend? Ex-friend, whatever.” 

“You hit him,” Donghan ventures. 

“I beat the crap out of him and I left him on the street,” Taedong says. “He was really hurt. I really, really hurt him. There was so much blood. I’ve never blacked out like that before. I didn’t tell anyone about it. Jaechannie,” Taedong pauses. “Jaechannie has always hated that about me. My anger, he has always been afraid of my anger. I always thought that was why he didn’t love me, won’t love me.” 

“Taedong,” Donghan says softly. 

“I’m sorry,” Taedong sighs, “for talking about him. I still feel so much for him.”

“I understand,” Donghan says softly as he brings their faces close to each other and gently brushes his lips against Taedong’s. It’s barely a kiss, but Taedong smiles and rests their foreheads together. 

The next morning, Taedong wakes up with Donghan still in his arms and Jihoon glaring at them from his bunk.

“You didn’t tell me,” Jihoon hisses, “that you two had started bumping uglies in our dorm room.” 

“We’re not,” Taedong says irritably as he tries to go back to sleep. 

 

Jaechan is standing nervously in Sangbin’s kitchen, feeling a lot like he shouldn’t be there and really wanting to hide. 

“Why are you so tense?” Sangbin asks, resting his hand on the back of Jaechan’s neck.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be here,” Jaechan murmurs. 

“I got permission from my housemates,” Sangbin says giving him a reassuring squeeze. “As long as we’re not having bed rocking sex when they’re home, we’re fine.” 

Jaechan’s face flares up. “Hyung!” 

“Well that’s what Dongha doesn’t like,” Sangbin strokes the side of his face. “I’m always in your space, I wanted you to see my apartment too.” 

“It’s nice,” Jaechan says. “It’s just smaller than I thought.” 

“Yeah, we’re in pretty cramped quarters. This used to have fewer rooms, the owner renovated so he could take on more tenants.” Sangbin says. He gives Jaechan a squeeze. “I need to grab something, wait here a second.” 

Jaechan nods as Sangbin leaves the kitchen. Jaechan leans against the counter, looking around the kitchen. It’s smaller than the one in his dorm, and it’s much more cluttered. His dorm kitchen somehow never looks very lived in, but Jaechan can definitely tell people live here. He runs his fingertips over the counter, trying to figure out what belongs to Sangbin. 

“Oh, you must be Jaechan.” 

Jaechan turns at the voice and bows. “Hello.” 

“Hey, I’m Chan. One of Sangbin’s housemates. You must be Jaechan.” Chan reaches past him for a coffee mug. “You’re not what I expected.” 

“Oh,” Jaechan can feel himself getting flush. “Were you expecting someone in particular?” 

“Hmm, you just don’t seem like Sangbin’s type,” Chan’s eyes are traveling up and down and Jaechan resists the urge to try to cover himself up more. “But you’re cute.” 

Sangbin comes to his rescue. “What are you doing to him?” Sangbin asks as he pulls Jaechan to his side. Jaechan sags with relief. “He’s already nervous. What did you do to my boyfriend?” 

“I’m sorry,” Chan smiles at him a bit sheepishly. “I must have been making you uncomfortable.” 

“Oh, no,” Jaechan squeaks.

Chan laughs. “He really is nervous. I didn’t know you liked nice boys.” 

“Of course I do,” Sangbin says as he pulls Jaechan from the kitchen and walks him into his bedroom. Jaechan squeaks nervously as the door closes. Sangbin just shrugs. “Chan doesn’t really care. Dongha’s the anal one.” 

“He’s nice,” Jaechan manages. 

“What’d he do to scare you, kitten?” Sangbin guides Jaechan to sit on his bed and Jaechan shrugs. 

“Nothing. Nothing in particular.” Jaechan fidgets. “Just. The way he was looking at me.”

“I’ll tell him off.” Sangbin takes Jaechan’s hand in his. “But does this,” he asks carefully, “have anything to do with you feeling ashamed about what happened to you?” 

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Jaechan mumbles.

“But I do,” Sangbin says. “Because I know it’s not about me, but I don’t want to touch you and scare you. I don’t want to hurt you…” 

“But you’re not. You’ve never touched me where he did, and even if you did, I’m not afraid of you.” Jaechan bites his lip. “I don’t want you to worry about that.” 

Sangbin doesn’t look very convinced. “I won’t push you tell me more, but I hope you will eventually. I love you.” 

Jaechan feels his face heating up. “Hyung.”

Sangbin kisses him slowly, still holding his hand, and Jaechan leans into the kiss more, pressing his lips against Sangbin’s more insistently. 

 

Taedong hates this. Waiting. Feeling like he doesn’t know what to expect. It’s Jaechan’s birthday, and they always spend it together, but Taedong doesn’t know if Jaechan is expecting him. He doesn’t know if this is still something that’s allowed to be his. He knocks on Jaechan’s door and holds his breath, unsure of what’s on the other side. 

Taedong is still holding his breath when Jaechan opens the door and is so relieved when Jaechan hugs him. Taedong holds onto Jaechan tightly, his entire body sagging with relief. 

“You came,” Jaechan sounds just as relieved. 

“I always do. We always…” 

Jaechan squeezes him tighter. “I know. I was worried you wouldn’t come.” 

Taedong laughs. “I was worried you didn’t want me to.” 

“No,” Jaechan shakes his head. “We’ve been together for my birthday since we were little kids. Nothing changes that.” 

“I just thought,” Taedong stammers. “Now that you have a boyfriend, isn’t he…?” 

“My whole world doesn’t revolve around Sangbin.” Jaechan says firmly. “He’s taking me to dinner, but I told him I was going to see you.” 

Taedong rubs Jaechan’s back as he holds him, not really wanting to let go of him. He really doesn’t want to, as he thinks of this time last year, lifting Jaechan’s bangs off of his forehead and pressing his lips against his skin. He can’t forget the shocked look on Jaechan’s face, the wordless rejection and then the revelation there was someone else. Taedong knows better than to still want Jaechan after all this time but a part of him just can’t help it. 

Jaechan gives him a squeeze and lets go of him and Taedong smiles because at least this still gets to be his. 

 

“Take me home?” Jaechan asks, leaning into Sangbin’s side and hoping he sounds a little bit seductive. 

Sangbin lips quirk up. “Are you trying to tell me to take you home, or take you somewhere with a bed?” 

Jaechan bites his lip. “My room has a bed.” 

Sangbin snorts. “You’re trying to be a little minx, aren’t you?” 

“I’m not already one?” 

Sangbin kisses him. “No. You’re still a cute little kitten.” 

Jaechan pouts. “Do you like that about me?” 

“I like everything about you,” Sangbin answers easily. 

Jaechan pushes Sangbin down onto his bed when they’re back in his dorm and kisses him. Sangbin’s hands are on his waist. Jaechan pushes their hips together and can feel Sangbin’s hardness. 

“Are you trying to get another birthday present out of me?” Sangbin’s voice is light and teasing. “You’re that greedy for desserts, are you?” 

“I want you to see me,” Jaechan says, suddenly feeling nervous. “Without clothes.” 

Sangbin looks up at him. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” 

Sangbin pulls his own clothes off before starting to undress Jaechan, slowly unbuttoning his shirt and kissing down the exposed skin. Jaechan feels impatient but he doesn’t hurry Sangbin along as Sangbin unbuttons Jaechan’s slacks and slides them down his legs. Jaechan steps out of them and reaches to peel off his socks. He’s standing before Sangbin in just his underwear, which is usually how it is between them, Jaechan always too shy to let Sangbin see him completely undressed. Sangbin hooks his thumbs beneath the waistband of Jaechan’s briefs. 

“Yes?” he asks, looking into Jaechan’s eyes. 

“Yes,” Jaechan says as calmly as he can.

Sangbin slowly peels Jaechan’s briefs off. Jaechan’s breath catches as he’s exposed to the air of his room and he flushes at the soft gasp that comes out of Sangbin’s mouth. He steps out of his briefs and Sangbin’s hands run over his thighs. 

“Hello, beautiful,” Sangbin says almost reverently. 

Jaechan blushes. 

“What can I,” Sangbin swallows thickly. “What do you want me to do? What can I do to please you?” 

Jaechan blushes. “Can you touch me?” 

Jaechan hands Sangbin the tube of chocolate flavored lube that they bought to have just in case and settles on his back beside Sangbin. Sangbin squirts some into his hand and carefully wraps his around Jaechan’s length. Jaechan keens into his touch.

“I used to fantasize about this,” Jaechan exhales as Sangbin is stroking him. 

“You did?” Sangbin asks. 

“Yes,” Jaechan whimpers and arches his back. “I had a crush on you for so long and I used to think about you whenever I did this.” 

“Tell me what you fantasized about,” Sangbin says. 

Jaechan’s face is burning as he raises his hips to meet Sangbin’s hand. “I used to imagine I was somewhere inappropriately public, touching myself and moaning your name,” he says breathlessly. “And you’d catch me and ask me if I wanted the real thing and of course I did so you’d just bend me over and spit into me and take me.” 

Sangbin grunts. “You fantasized about me being that rough with you?” 

“It was before I knew how big you are,” Jaechan offers. “And before I even knew you were gay. Did you ever think about me when you touched yourself?” 

“Of course.” 

“Tell me.” 

Sangbin looks a little flustered. “There’s nothing to it. Before we dated it was just filth and now I think about being gentle with you.” 

Jaechan rests his hand on Sangbin’s wrist, urging him to go faster. “Tell me a dirty one. It’s only fair, I told you one of mine.” 

“One of them,” Sangbin flicks his wrist and Jaechan arches into him. “I fantasized you were coming to me for office hours or something. You were wearing your high school uniform. I’m not a weird person, it was just a fantasy. And I pulled down your pants and bent you over my desk and spanked you with a ruler.” Sangbin squeezes him and Jaechan tries to stifle a moan. “And then I fucked you bent over the desk.” 

Jaechan whimpers and bucks into Sangbin’s hand. “What do you want, kitten? Tell me.” 

“Your mouth,” Jaechan squeaks. “I’m close.”

Sangbin wraps his lips around him and Jaechan covers his mouth to stifle the scream he lets out when he comes, one hand still squeezing Sangbin’s wrist. Sangbin swallows him and Jaechan feels a little bit lightheaded watching Sangbin lick his lips. Jaechan squirms when Sangbin pulls off of him. 

“Hyung,” he says. 

Sangbin smiles at him. “Did you like that?” 

“Yes.”

Sangbin kisses his cheek and Jaechan squirms. “Hyung, that’s dirty!” 

“Says the one who asked me to tell him my dirtiest jerk off fantasy and then asked me to suck him off,” Sangbin teases, leaving another kiss on Jaechan’s neck.

“Do you want me to touch you?” Jaechan asks and Sangbin shakes his head. 

“I’m fine just watching you.” Sangbin smirks. “Now I know what you sound like when you come. Knew you were a screamer.” 

Jaechan’s face turns bright red and his exclamation of, “hyung!” gets muffled by Sangbin’s lips on his.

 

“Jaechannie, are you asleep?”

Jaechan shifts and yawns. “Yes.” 

Sangbin snorts. “That’s alright. I wanted to tell you something embarrassing anyway.” 

Jaechan nuzzles against Sangbin’s face. Sangbin kisses right next to his ear. 

“I love you,” he murmurs. “So much. I’ve never felt this way about anyone and sometimes I don’t know what to do. I just love you so much.” 

Jaechan curls up closer to Sangbin and Sangbin kisses his forehead. “I love you too.” Jaechan whispers up against Sangbin’s jaw. 

 

Donghan walks into the room in a frenzy and walks himself right into Taedong’s arms, holding onto his face and staring straight into his eyes. 

“Taedongie, do you love me?” 

Taedong’s mouth goes dry. “Huh?” 

“Do you love me? If you love me, you need to do something for me. You need to kill me right now.” 

“I need to what?” 

Donghan places Taedong’s hands on his throat. “Kill me. Right now.” 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

“I just called Sangbin a whore to his face and you have to kill me.”

“Slow down, slow down. Tell me what happened.” 

“Jihoonie,” Donghan glares witheringly at Jihoon who has slithered up into his bunk, “called me a slut for no reason at all, he’s probably jealous he can’t get a date and I’ve slept with like, five people! At most! And when I started defending myself, saying I know a lot of people who have slept around more than me, this asshole tells me to name them, so I did.” 

“You started with Eunki, you fake friend,” Jihoon says from his bunk. 

“But you said everyone already knows Eunki used to sleep around a lot so I had to think of someone else so I said Sangbin and you didn’t warn me because he was right behind me when I said Sangbin has slept with half the university and he was a whore if I was a slut!” 

“So you didn’t say it to his face,” Jihoon shrugs. Donghan ignores him.

“And then from behind me I hear, ‘I’m a what?’ and I wanted to crawl into a hole. Like Jaechan really needs something else to hate about me.” Donghan presses Taedong’s hands more firmly against his throat. “Do it. Snap my neck. Put me out of my misery.”

“Jaechannie doesn’t hate you,” Taedong says, pulling his hands away. “It’s not like you’re making something up. Sangbin’s… been around.” 

“Yes, but I said it to his face. I called him a whore to his face. Please, Taedongie, show me how much you love me and murder me.” 

“Kinky,” Jihoon says. 

“I changed my mind. Kill Jihoon instead.” 

“I can do that,” Taedong says. 

Jihoon shrieks and dives under his blanket. “What the fuck!” 

 

Donghan’s knuckles brush against Taedong’s when they walk side by side to and from the dance studio. When they sit cross legged across from one another, their knees touch. Donghan takes Taedong’s hand in his, running his fingertips along the hills and valleys of his knuckles. Taedong holds himself very still as Donghan rests his thumb on the knuckle of Taedong’s middle finger. 

“What do you do when you hit someone?” Donghan asks him softly. 

“What do you mean?” Taedong asks. 

“I guess I really mean what goes through your head when you hit someone?” 

Taedong doesn’t answer immediately. “I don’t think anything,” Taedong says eventually. “I’m usually so enraged before that by the time I actually hit the person everything’s blacked out. I just have blackout rages.” 

“Does it make you feel better?” 

Another heavy silence hangs between them. Taedong doesn’t want to admit that it does. He’s had this conversation before, with Jaechan, with Jaechan looking at him for the first time like Taedong was a stranger after Taedong admitted that it made him feel good to beat the pulp out of someone. So he doesn’t want to say it again. 

“It does,” Donghan surmises. 

“Jaechan,” Taedong’s throat feels suddenly tense. “He has never been able to accept that about me.” 

“But you only do that for him, right?” 

“Yes.” Taedong swallows dryly. “I used to get into a few scuffles as a kid, just dumb stuff, nothing serious. The first time I couldn’t remember how much I hit someone, the first time it felt gratifying, was when I did it for him.” 

“So you hit Jihoonie’s friend, ex-friend I guess, and Sangbin…” 

“More than them, I just never told anyone,” Taedong says softly. “All I want is to protect him, but he doesn’t see it like that. He doesn’t want me to do that, especially not for him, but I can’t help it.” 

“Would you do that for me?” 

“Is there someone you want me to beat the shit out of?” Taedong asks warily. 

“No. I was just wondering if you’d do that to protect anyone.” 

“I think just for Jaechannie,” Taedong sighs. “So much of me is still so attached to him. I’m sorry. I’m trying. I swear, I’m trying. It’s just so hard. Part of me - some stupid part of me - wants to hope. I can’t stop wanting him to one day appear in front of me and tell me I was the one all along.” 

Donghan is quiet. “I understand,” he says eventually. 

“I’m sorry.” Taedong could cry. “I’m sorry.” 

Donghan cradles the back of Taedong’s head as Taedong leans forward to rest his forehead on Donghan’s shoulder. 

 

Taedong runs into Donghan in the library one afternoon. 

“I thought you were in dance practice,” Taedong says. 

Donghan sighs. “We got our choreography checked yesterday and she hates it all so we’re looking for inspiration.” He groans. “She’s impossible to please.” 

“At least you two are getting along more,” Taedong says. 

Donghan nods as Insoo pops up from around the corner, jumping slightly. 

“Shit, you scared me,” he hisses at Taedong. He hands Donghan a book. “I just need to go ask Sangbin something.” 

“What does Sangbin have to do with our class?” Donghan sputters, following Insoo, who is making a beeline for Sangbin, who is leaning back on one of the lone chairs, a book over his face and apparently napping. Being asleep does nothing to deter Insoo from walking over and beginning to unbutton Sangbin’s shirt. 

“Why,” Sangbin grumbles, “are you undressing me?” 

“You know me by the touch of my hands?” Insoo sounds a little surprised. 

“No, you fucker, I heard your voice and figured no one else would try stripping me in a library.” 

“I want to know,” Insoo opens up Sangbin’s shirt, “what whore did this,” and jabs his finger onto a nasty looking bruise of Sangbin’s collarbone. 

“Don’t call my boyfriend a whore,” Sangbin says, tugging his shirt closed. 

Insoo snorts. “Oh please, Jaechannie didn’t do that.” 

“He did.” 

Taedong tenses as Donghan hovers by his side. A couple images cross his mind of what position they could have been in to make Jaechan bite Sangbin so hard, all of them sexual, and Taedong really doesn’t want to think about that. 

Insoo slaps the book off of Sangbin’s face. Sangbin sighs irritably. “You just made me lose my page.” 

“What whore bit you like that?” Insoo asks again, nonplussed. 

“I told you not to call my boyfriend a whore.” Sangbin grumbles, picking up his book. 

“I don’t believe you,” Insoo snaps. 

“Ask him yourself,” Sangbin says, beginning to button his shirt again. “He has sharp teeth.”

“Whatever, if I find out you’re dicking around again I’ll kill you,” Insoo storms off, yanking the book back out of Donghan’s hands and stomping farther away. 

 

Taedong wraps his arms around Jaechan but something feels off, wrong even, but Taedong doesn’t know what. Taedong takes a breath as Jaechan’s head is resting against his shoulder and that’s when things click. 

“You smell like him.” 

It comes out as an accusation as Taedong recoils and pushes Jaechan away from him. Taedong didn’t mean it like that, but Jaechan looks guilty and sniffs at his shirt collar with a worried expression. Taedong’s mind is racing with images of Sangbin sweating on Jaechan, holding him so tightly that Jaechan would start to smell like Sangbin’s cigarettes, or maybe he smoked after sex, or maybe… 

“I’m sorry,” Jaechan says, not meeting Taedong’s eyes. “He really doesn’t smoke around me that much and I tell him to quit but I guess I’m a little bit too lenient…” Jaechan bites his lip. “I’m sorry, hyung.” 

“No, you’re fine, it’s okay,” Taedong doesn’t know why he feels so shaken. He knows better. He knows that Jaechan has never been his, and he knows he has no right to be upset over something like this. 

But he can’t help it. 

 

“Haven’t seen you do that in a while.” 

Taedong jumps and tries to hide the cigarette he’s smoking, glancing up guiltily at Insoo. He must look like an idiot, sitting behind the library when it’s freezing cold and pretending to not be smoking. 

Insoo slides into a sitting position beside him. “I thought you quit years ago.” 

“I did,” Taedong sighs. “I guess I didn’t entirely kick the habit.” 

“Jaechannie asked me to smell him earlier,” Insoo says. “He does smell a little bit like smoke too, doesn’t he?” 

“Yes, he does.” 

“Have you ever seen the two of them together?” Insoo glances at him. “When they’re being lovey dovey?” 

Taedong shakes his head. 

“They’re so gross. But I always knew that part of Sangbin existed, that stupid gooey part of him. I always knew he could be like that. Sometimes I wonder why he wasn’t like that with me.” 

“Huh?” 

“I told Sangbin that I loved him back when we were, ah I guess you and I were first years back then. I wasn’t really in love, and he just laughed me off. But now I see him when he’s being nice to someone he loves and I just wonder why not me.” 

Taedong doesn’t really know what to say to that. 

Insoo glances at him. “I’m not saying I’m jealous of Jaechan in any real way. I wasn’t really in love with Sangbin, and I’m happy now, but I just wonder. It’s weird. I think about the kind of relationship we had and I can’t really figure out why he’s so different.” 

“Donghanie was worried you were going to hate him again because of what happened on Halloween.” Taedong shifts uncomfortably, trying to change the subject. 

Insoo shakes his head. “Honestly, Kenta was flirting with other guys a lot more explicitly than he was with Donghan.” 

“Are you alright?” 

“Cleaning up all that vomit was the hardest part of that night,” Insoo shrugs. “There are parts of Kenta that are never going to change so I don’t freak myself out about it anymore. Or I’m trying to not. We’ve been together a long time and Kenta could have anyone he wanted, so there’s something about me that sets me apart.”

Taedong nods and grinds out the remainder of his cigarette and goes to light another one. “You want one?” 

“Can’t smoke,” Insoo shakes his head. “Could never really do it.” 

“Lucky,” Taedong exhales. 

“I’m sorry about the library,” Insoo sighs. “I didn’t know you and Donghan were going to follow me. I felt kind of bad about confronting Sangbin with you watching.” 

“It’s fine,” Taedong has to shrug. “I don’t have any control over what Jaechannie does.” 

“Still,” Insoo looks at him. “You’ve thought about the two of them having sex, haven’t you?” 

Taedong stares at him. “What?” 

“Not in a sexual way, but a factual way. Like you’ve thought, oh they’re fucking each other.” Insoo sighs. “I have.” 

“What?” 

Insoo sighs, sounding a little exasperated. “I didn’t think they were fucking but then Sangbin told me Jaechan made that bite mark on him and Jaechannie can’t lie about anything, so I thought, oh wow they’re really fucking. And that’s weird, because I know how Sangbin and I used to fuck, and I don’t think Jaechan would want to have sex like that.” 

“What does that mean?” Taedong huffs. 

“Sangbin used to pin me down and choke me.” Taedong flinches. “I can’t really see Jaechan wanting to get pinned down and choked.” 

“Why… what…” 

“I wanted him to do that, and he didn’t always want to be as rough with me as I wanted it, but,” Insoo shrugs. “I felt like I was numb so I wanted to feel something. I don’t think Jaechan wants it like that. So I think about it sometimes.”

“I don’t think about that,” Taedong barks. “At all.”

Insoo can probably tell that he’s lying because he just stretches out his legs and crosses them in front of him. “When I thought Donghan and Kenta were going behind my back I used to think about them having sex too. Not in a sexual way, I wasn’t jerking it thinking about my boyfriend cheating on me, but just. I would be at home by myself and I’d just think, they’re probably in a hotel right now having sex.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Taedong snaps. “If you felt so bad about talking to Sangbin about that in front of me, why are you telling me all this now?” 

“Because it’s okay if you think about Jaechan a lot. It’s probably normal, considering how whipped you are for him.” Insoo sighs. “If you’d just admit you were having normal thoughts it probably wouldn’t be so hard for you.”

“What’s normal about it?” Taedong asks. There’s nothing normal about imagining Jaechan having sex with someone and wishing it was him. There’s nothing normal about the burning jealousy Taedong feels whenever he thinks that Jaechan isn’t his.

“You’re in love with him. Of course you’re going to hate Sangbin for sticking his dick into the person you love. That’s normal.” Insoo pushes himself to his feet. “But I heard from Jaechannie that you and Donghan were sort of going out.”

Taedong grinds out his cigarette. “It’s complicated.” 

“Let me guess, it’s because of Donghan’s slutty wandering eyes.” 

Taedong whips around to look at Insoo. “What the fuck? Donghan’s not…” 

“Aha!” Insoo crows. “That got a rise out of you! You were playing all stoic when I was talking about Jaechannie getting dicked down but that got under your skin!” 

Taedong scowls at him. “What’s your point?” 

Insoo crouches down beside Taedong. “Give yourself a little more credit and let go of Jaechannie a little bit. You know he loves you, just not the way you want. Donghan probably loves you the way you want him to, so think about him a little more.” 

Insoo heads back into the library and leaves Taedong staring after him. 

 

Taedong looks at Donghan.

Really looks at him. Again. 

And feels something he didn’t feel before. 

But it doesn’t scare him. 

 

This is new, for Sangbin to actually look flustered when he’s facing Jaechan. It’s just not the kind of situation Jaechan would have expected. 

“I didn’t buy you anything yet,” Sangbin says, looking embarrassed. 

“It’s fine, really, you spoil me enough already,” Jaechan stammers. “I didn’t know what to get you either; I hope you like it.” 

“I don’t spoil you that much,” Sangbin looks even more flustered as he starts unwrapping his gift. “You didn’t need to buy so much.” 

Jaechan bites his lip. “Do you like them?” 

Sangbin leans over and pecks Jaechan on the cheek. “Yes, Jaechannie, I do.” He smiles against Jaechan’s skin. “Did you pick out all these clothes thinking about taking them off of me?” 

Jaechan blushes. “I was mainly thinking about how they’d look nice on you.” He trails his hand up Sangbin’s arm. “If you want me to take them off you too…” 

Sangbin begins to trail kisses down Jaechan’s neck. “I do want that. I want a lot more than that. Lately I’ve been wanting you so much.” 

“I want you too,” Jaechan says. 

“I just worry a little,” Sangbin sighs. “I don’t want to hurt you. And we still haven’t talked about that.” 

Jaechan sighs. “There’s nothing much to talk about. It was a blind date. He started talking about wanting to go back to his place and I didn’t want to, and he grabbed me when we left so I ran away. That’s all.” 

“So why do you feel ashamed?” 

Jaechan shrugs his shoulders. “Because that was all I could do, run away. I’m always helpless. And if I was just different, maybe it wouldn’t have…” 

“No, oh Jaechan no,” Sangbin wraps his arms around Jaechan tighter. “You can’t blame yourself for that. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Jaechan curls up in Sangbin’s arms. “I still feel really embarrassed about myself, and what kind of signals I was sending out to…” 

“Jaechannie,” Sangbin sighs. “You probably weren’t doing anything. He had made up his mind to try getting you into bed so he tried to grab you since you weren’t interested. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, he should be ashamed for doing that to you.” 

Jaechan looks at Sangbin and bites his lip. “I don’t think about that when I’m with you. I feel safe with you. I love you. And I,” he looks away shyly. “I think I want to sleep with you.” 

“You want to right now?” Sangbin asks. He sounds nervous too. “What if it hurts too much? I don’t want to send you back to your parents waddling like you’ve just gotten fucked.” 

Jaechan’s face flushes. “I didn’t mean now. Maybe when I come back, I’ll know that I’m really ready and we can.” Jaechan nervously runs his hands over Sangbin’s shoulders. “Is that okay with you?” 

“If that’s what you want, I’ll be ready and waiting for you.” Sangbin says as he kisses Jaechan deeply and Jaechan pulls him closer. 

 

“Are you doing anything?” Taedong asks as Donghan is laying on his bed swiping through his phone.

“Not really. Why?”

Taedong swallows his saliva. “Do you want to go out on a date with me?”

“A date?” Donghan glances at him. 

“Yeah. Just coffee, or something. I kind of didn’t plan anything in particular.” 

“Sure.” 

Donghan leans into his side as they wait on the line to order, suggesting they split one of the special holiday flavored drinks. Donghan orders some strange latte with a fruit topping and two regular coffees and Taedong taps his credit card against the register before Donghan can. He fetches their order when it’s ready and lines the cups up in front of Donghan.

“So why did you ask me on a date, officially?” Donghan asks, fiddling with the cardboard sleeve of his cup. 

Taedong takes his own cup. “Because I was thinking, I agreed to try working things out with you, but I haven’t been doing my part.” He takes a deep breath. “And I’m ready to try seriously. Because I really do like you.” 

Donghan pushes his coffee away to take the lid off of the specialty coffee. “I really like you too. I always have.” He takes a sip and then slides the cup over to Taedong. 

Taedong makes a face. “Ugh, this is way too sweet. Like artificial cherry.” 

Donghan shrugs and takes back the cup. “Maybe it doesn’t taste right because you started smoking again.” 

Taedong startles. “What?”

“I know you’re doing it.” Donghan states. 

“I’ll stop. Again.” Taedong says sheepishly. 

Donghan nods, pleased. “It’s not good for you.”

“I know it’s not.” Taedong sighs. “Are you going to nag me about things like that?” 

Donghan smiles. “Yes, because I care. And that’s a trait you like in guys. You like caring people.” 

“You don’t have to be different for me to like you more,” Taedong stammers. “You don’t need to worry about me more so I like you.” 

“But you like that in people, don’t you?” 

Taedong swallows thickly. “You don’t need to try being more like Jaechan. I like you for you.”

Donghan blinks at him, startled, and then nods slowly. 

“I really like you,” Taedong repeats. “You don’t have to be anyone else.”

Donghan nods quietly. 

When they leave, Taedong takes Donghan’s hand in his and asks if he can kiss him. Donghan nods and leans in so Taedong can kiss him. 

Donghan’s lips taste like that overly sweet artificial cherry but this time Taedong doesn’t mind it.

 

Jaechan sinks down onto the mattress of the really plush bed in a hotel room that’s much nicer than he assumed it would be when he had called Sangbin and told him very seriously that he wanted to be alone with him tonight. 

It’s suddenly a lot more daunting because it’s a nice room and a nice bed and Jaechan suddenly feels very self-conscious about having sex on this bed, thinking of the cleaning staff who will have to launder the blankets when they might be covered in his sweat and come. It would be less intimidating if this were a trashier place meant for people to come and hookup, but it’s not, and Jaechan feels a lot more nervous. 

“Are you alright?” Sangbin asks. 

Jaechan nods. “Yes. I’m just taking in the room.” 

Sangbin glances around. “It’s nice, isn’t it?” 

“Yes.” Jaechan bites his lips, thinking about how this probably isn’t too out of the ordinary for Sangbin, that Sangbin spent a long time before Jaechan even knew him in and out of rented rooms like this with different guys. 

Sangbin cups Jaechan’s face in his hands. “Are you sure?” 

Jaechan nods. “Yes. I thought about it a lot. I’m ready.” 

Sangbin strokes Jaechan’s face as he leans in to kiss him, some of Jaechan’s nerves simmering away with the familiarity of Sangbin’s touch. Sangbin moves his hands to peel Jaechan’s shirt off. Jaechan suddenly feels nervous again as Sangbin takes his shirt off. Sangbin eases Jaechan against the bed, leaning down to kiss him again as his hands travel down Jaechan’s sides and then towards his belt. Jaechan’s breath hitches as he lifts his hips so Sangbin can push his pants down his legs. Jaechan pulls off his underwear as Sangbin stands to take off his own pants and Jaechan can feel his face heating up when they’re both naked. 

“Tell me what you want,” Sangbin prompts. “How can I please you?” 

“I want to touch you,” Jaechan says shyly. “You always say you’re happy just touching me, but I want to touch you too.” 

“You can touch me wherever you want to,” Sangbin says.

Jaechan feels exceptionally shy as he’s kissing trails down Sangbin’s chest, carefully running his fingers over Sangbin’s body, searching for somewhere that makes Sangbin react more as he finally wraps his fingers around Sangbin’s length. Sangbin exhales heavily at his touch and Jaechan looks at him shyly as he begins to stroke him. 

“Your hand feels nice,” Sangbin says as Jaechan starts to kiss his neck. “Real nice.” 

Jaechan isn’t sure what to do with the rest of his body as he takes in Sangbin’s shallower breaths and the way he raises his hips into Jaechan’s hand. Jaechan begins to kiss down Sangbin’s chest again, stopping to graze at one of Sangbin’s nipples with his teeth, and Sangbin hisses suddenly. 

“Sorry,” Jaechan squeaks. “Do you not like that?”

“No, no,” Sangbin cradles Jaechan’s head closer to his chest. “I liked that. Keep doing that.” 

Jaechan bites at Sangbin’s nipple and Sangbin groans softly. Jaechan squeezes Sangbin’s length more as he strokes him and feels a little swell of pride when he hears Sangbin’s groaning become more breathless. Jaechan moves to suck Sangbin’s other nipple into his mouth and Sangbin tilts his head back and moans. 

“Where did you learn to do that?” he asks. 

Jaechan glances up at him. “Nowhere.” 

Sangbin breathes out a laugh. “You’re just naturally good at that, are you? Maybe you are a little minx.” 

Jaechan migrates back to kiss Sangbin on the lips, Sangbin holding him by the back of his neck as Jaechan continues stroking him, and Jaechan can feel how Sangbin is rutting his hips into Jaechan’s hand more insistently. Jaechan pulls away, taking in Sangbin’s flushed face and dark eyes, and shifts lower so he can carefully take Sangbin into his mouth. Sangbin moans louder as he rests his hand on the top of Jaechan’s head. 

“Kitten,” Sangbin grinds out. “Jaechannie.” 

Jaechan sucks on what he can fit in his mouth, because Sangbin is big and Jaechan is already close to gagging, and Sangbin has his hand fisted in his hair even though Jaechan can tell Sangbin’s trying hard to not pull it. Jaechan doesn’t mind it, because it’s nice to know he can affect Sangbin like this, when Sangbin’s been with so many others who have been more experienced than Jaechan. 

Sangbin gasps suddenly. “Jaechan, I’m going to come, you should get off of me.” 

But Jaechan braces himself and sucks Sangbin harder and Sangbin comes. Jaechan chokes on him, and ends up coughing, overwhelmed by it. Jaechan doesn’t even have a chance to catch his breath and apologize for spitting because Sangbin kisses him full on the mouth, pushing his tongue in between Jaechan’s lips. 

“Hyung!” Jaechan squeaks when he can breathe. 

“I need you,” Sangbin says as he presses their lips together again. “I need you right now. Can I have you? Jaechannie, do you want to do it right now?”

“Yes, yes, I want you.” 

Sangbin flips Jaechan over and Jaechan squawks as he lands on the sticky mess they left on the bedspread. Jaechan can feel the heat rising in his face and Sangbin palms over his thighs and pushes his legs further apart. 

“Does my kitten want me to fulfill one of his fantasies for him?” Sangbin rumbles. 

Before Jaechan can answer, Sangbin is spitting into him and Jaechan is moaning and arching against the bed, clutching at the sheets. It’s nothing compared to when Jaechan feels Sangbin’s tongue prodding him and he dissolves into an incoherent writhing mess, barely conscious of anything except for Sangbin’s hands on the backs of his thighs and his tongue pushing its way into him. Jaechan is trying to muffle himself in the pillows but Sangbin keeps pulling away to pull Jaechan’s head back up, telling him how much he wants to hear Jaechan scream. Jaechan doesn’t want Sangbin to stop eating him out so he tries to keep himself propped up on his elbows, but it’s hard when Sangbin is so good and Jaechan is delirious with want. 

“Sangbin hyung,” Jaechan’s voice is cracking. “Hyung, please.” 

Sangbin licks over him and Jaechan comes harder than he ever has, losing his balance and landing face first on the bed again, panting against the sheets. Sangbin flips him onto his back and leans in to kiss him but Jaechan squirms away. 

“Hyung, please! That’s so dirty!” 

Sangbin wipes the spit from his chin. “You taste so good, pretty boy.” 

Jaechan covers his face. “Sangbin!” 

“Your shoulders get all red when you come. You really do blush all over, don’t you? You make me want you so much.” Sangbin grins. “You’re so beautiful.” 

Jaechan peeks at Sangbin through his fingers. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Sangbin smiles and drops a kiss on Jaechan’s stomach. “Are you sure you want to go all the way?” 

“Yes, hyung, yes.” 

There’s a bottle of lube in the bedside table and Jaechan’s heart begins to pound a little more as Sangbin coats one of his fingers and rests it against him. 

“Hyung, my answer is yes,” Jaechan huffs impatiently.

Sangbin snorts. “I didn’t even ask.” 

Sangbin presses his finger into Jaechan and it’s more uncomfortable than he thought it would be and he unconsciously clenches around Sangbin. 

“Ouch, ouch,” Sangbin hisses. “Kitten, don’t do that.” 

“Do what?” 

“Squeeze me like that. Ouch! You’re going to snap my finger off!” 

“Sorry,” Jaechan tries to relax as Sangbin tries to move his finger. 

“You’re really tight,” Sangbin says offhandedly. “I didn’t think you’d be this tight.” 

“Nothing’s been up there,” Jaechan replies, feeling flustered. 

“You don’t touch yourself like this?” 

“No.” 

Sangbin hums softly as he pulls his finger out and pushes it back in. Jaechan keens. 

“You’re so pretty like this,” Sangbin says as he begins to build a rhythm. “You’re so pretty. I love you so much. I’m so happy I get to be the first one to touch you like this. You’re so beautiful, Jaechan. I love you.” 

Jaechan is bucking into Sangbin now, moaning louder and louder, feeling his orgasm building again, and he comes hard enough to make him see stars. 

 

Jaechan wakes up wrapped up in a clean blanket and facing Sangbin. 

“There you are,” Sangbin smiles at him. “I thought I killed you.” 

“What?” 

“You passed out after you came and you were sleeping for a while,” Sangbin strokes his cheek affectionately. “I cleaned you up. Are you sore anywhere?” 

Jaechan shifts and feels a tiny twinge of discomfort right at the base of his spine. “Not really.” 

“I don’t want it to hurt for you. I want to take good care of you.” 

“You are, hyung,” Jaechan snuggles into the blanket. “I’m sorry we couldn’t…” 

“You don’t need to be sorry. I’m happy you’re comfortable enough so we can do this much. I’m a little worried about sleeping with you, honestly. I want you to remember enjoying your first time. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“You didn’t. I liked it.” 

Sangbin pecks Jaechan’s cheek. “I love you. You’re my pretty boy.” 

Jaechan blushes as he opens his blanket cocoon so Sangbin can slide in beside him. “I love you too. So much.” 

Sangbin kisses him and Jaechan melts.

Being with Sangbin makes Jaechan feel warm and tingly all over, even if the downside is Insoo asking him in his typical tactless manner if Jaechan had “sat on Sangbin’s dick,” and then informing Jaechan he was waddling, which Jaechan was sure he was not. When he whines about it to Sangbin, he just laughs and scoops Jaechan up in his arms and says Insoo is bitter because Kenta is visiting home and Insoo is jealous and lonely. Jaechan still gets flush by Sangbin kissing all over his face but he kisses Sangbin back more than a few times. 

 

“So,” Jihoon is peering at Taedong over the railing of his bunk in the creepiest way possible. “Are you and Donghan dating?” 

Taedong still freezes. “It’s complicated.” 

Jihoon groans. “Oh my god, just get it over with.” 

“What?” Taedong blinks. 

“He’s been crushing on you like crazy since we were first years and now we’re going to be going into our last semester and he’s still totally into you even if he’s been around the bases a few times and you obviously don’t like him like that even if you go out on gross little dates and sleep in the same bed sometimes. Make up your mind already. Date or don’t. Fucking hell you’re such a stick in the mud.” 

“I know that he liked me for a long time.” Taedong says. “What was I supposed to do? I was in love with someone else.” 

“Are you still in love with that guy?” 

Taedong freezes again. Since kissing Donghan last time, something had shifted. Taedong hadn’t really been sure if he was finally moving on from Jaechan. Part of him was afraid of that, afraid of losing the constant longing he had carried around for so long. But part of him was straining to reach out and bring Donghan closer. He wanted to love Donghan so much. 

“Well make up your mind, would you?” Jihoon says dismissively. 

 

Jaechan gives him a hug and Taedong squeezes him. 

“You look happy,” Taedong comments. 

A pink blush spreads over Jaechan’s face. Jaechan is pretty. He has always been pretty. 

“I am happy,” he answers. 

It’s strange. There’s no hollowness in his stomach when he thinks of what (or who) could be making Jaechan so prettily happy. There’s no craving for cigarettes. 

“Did you go home?” Jaechan asks. 

Taedong shakes his head. “No, I stayed here. I spent a lot of time with Donghan.” 

“How was that?” 

Everything clicks. “I’m falling in love with him.” 

Jaechan blinks at him. “Are you?” 

“Yes. I can tell it’s real now.” Taedong looks at Jaechan. “Do you approve of the two of us?” 

“Hyung, I just want you to be happy. If Donghan makes you happy, I’ll accept it.”

“I want to be happy, Jaechannie.” 

“I want that for you too. Are you happy?” 

“Yes.” 

Jaechan gives him another hug. “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” 

Taedong hugs him back. “Thank you, Jaechannie.” 

 

“Were you waiting long?” 

Donghan shakes his head. “No, I only came a minute ago.” 

“No, I mean, were you waiting long? For me?” 

Donghan laughs. “Isn’t that the same question?” 

Taedong shoves his hands deeper into his coat pockets. “I don’t mean right now. I mean. What I mean is.” He sighs heavily. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” 

“I’m here, Taedongie. I’m right here.” 

“Were you waiting for me to love you for a long time? Why did you keep waiting for me?” Taedong finally asks. 

“I waited because I like you,” Donghan answers. “I’ve loved you for a long time.” 

“So much that you didn’t mind waiting?” 

“I minded waiting at first. But I really like you, so I was okay when you told me you wanted to try.” 

“I love you,” Taedong blurts. 

Donghan’s expression is careful. “How do you know?” 

“Because when I look at Jaechan it’s not the same. And when I look at you I feel something different than before. When I don’t see you I miss you.” 

Donghan’s eyes widen. 

“You always accepted parts of me that other people couldn’t, that I couldn’t accept about myself. And you waited for me even when I wasn’t looking at you, and when I was dragging my feet. That’s love. I know you love me. And I love you too. I fell in love with you.” 

“Are you sure?” Donghan stammers, looking taken aback. 

“Yes, yes.” Taedong falters. “Did I make you wait too long?” 

“No, no, I’m just surprised, that’s all.” Donghan folds himself into Taedong’s arms. “I wasn’t expecting this.” 

“Thank you for waiting for me,” Taedong clings to Donghan tightly. “I’m going to make you happy. I love you.” 

Donghan hugs him tighter. “I love you too.” 

“Can I kiss you?” Taedong asks. Donghan nods and Taedong presses their lips together and everything feels just right.

**Author's Note:**

> you can follow me on Twitter @jy_kim8008 !!


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